D C S Leah
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
D.C.S. Leah is an autistic author who dabbles in the weird, the fantastic and the macabre. He writes poetry, prose and comic plays, the latter of which stars a quartet of bipedal hyenas, who as you read this, are nagging him for the next script. Please be patient, as this page is gradually having new content added.
He also hates writing about himself. Therefore, the rest of this space will be filled with a character sheet of his four infamous creations.
The cast of characters include:
Butterscotch is a professional spiv who dabbles in shady deals. In his spare time he indulges in noir fantasies where he plays Humphrey Bogart. He could never actually live in these fantasies, as he would surely be the first character to die.
Cream is the wannabe head of the clan, a cruel, sadistic diva with personality issues. She dabbles in dangerous scavenging raids on local lions' dens. She won't hesitate to put her companions first - especially in the path of oncoming danger.
Drake is a punk-rock/heavy metal obsessed anarchist, who constantly dabbles in Cream's wardrobe - and sometimes her underwear. He has the hunting skills of an agoraphobic schoolgirl, the guts of a disembowelled rat, and the backbone of a melting jellyfish.
Scruff is a silly, smelly idiot who barely qualifies as a hyena. He has the physique of a skinny weasel, the personality of a sheep, the hygiene of a skunk, and the brain of a lobotomised cow that ate the wrong kind of grass. He is fatally allergic to soap and water. It is suspected he may have a university degree in sociology.
Please respect the author's creation. Butterscotch, Cream, Drake and Scruff are copyright to D.C.S. Leah. Any attempt to plagiarise this content will be met with Cream personally. You have been warned.
Hyena Sketch: Scruff at the Library
Scene: a short, smelly hyena named Scruff walks into the library. He gingerly approaches the front desk, staffed by a scowl-faced librarian.
Scruff: ‘Ey ‘ere!
Librarian looks up.
Librarian: (Blankly) I beg your pardon?!
Scruff: I said, ‘Ey ‘ere.
Librarian: You’ll find her under Classics.
Scruff: Find who?
Librarian: Jane Eyre.
Scruff: W’at, under classical music?
Librarian: No, classic literature.
Scruff: Oh, right! (Pause) Who’s she anyway?
Librarian: The title of the book you’re after.
Scruff: Yeah, w’at’s that?
Librarian: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.
Scruff: Nah, I didn’t ask for Jane Eyre, I said ‘Ey ‘ere.
Librarian: And who is she exactly?
Scruff: (Looks around) Dunno, ‘ere’s no one else ‘ere.
Librarian: (Shrugs) Fine by me.
Librarian looks back to his computer. Scruff starts tapping his claws on the desk. Librarian doesn’t look up.
Scruff: (Hesitant) Say, erm, I wonder if yer ca’ ‘elp me.
Scruff removes his paws as Librarian slams down some books where he taps.
Librarian: You could start by removing those. (Scruff takes the books) I meant the paws.
Scruff: (Puzzled) But I don’t ‘ave a dog.
Librarian: Never mind, they’re gone now.
Scruff: Oh! (Slams paws back onto desk) Anyways, I’m lookin’ for a book on the ‘Istory of ‘atomy.
Librarian: (Pause) The what?
Scruff: The ‘Istory of ‘atomy.
Librarian: (Pause) Pardon me for asking a personal question, but can I ask if English your first language?
Scruff: Nah, cockney is.
Librarian: (Confused) Right! What’s that title again?
Scruff: The ‘Istory of ‘atomy.
Librarian: Hmm! Why don’t you try searching under geography?
Pause; Scruff scratches his head.
Scruff: Wha’s Jeffrey gotta do with cuttin’ up bodies?
Librarian: (Perplexed) I’m not sure; unless he’s a serial killer?
Scruff: But w'at, does 'e know ‘bout the ‘Istory of ‘atomy.
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Librarian: (Aside) About time.
Scruff: Yer said I gotta look under ‘im. (Sniggers) T’ankfully ‘e ain’t a girl.
Librarian: I don’t know anyone called Jeffrey, but if you want to find a book on a Jeffrey who cuts-up-bodies, I might suggest you find him alphabetically in the biography section, upstairs.
Scruff: (Pause) Find who?
Librarian: A biography on Jeffrey.
Scruff: O’s Jeffrey?
Librarian: How should I know, you asked for him.
Scruff: Nah, I asked for the ‘Istory of ‘atomy, n’ yer said I should ask Jeffrey.
Librarian: Look, if you want the Estuary of ‘Atomy – wherever that is – then I’d suggest looking under (emphasis) ge-o-graph-y.
Scruff: Actually, I ‘as lookin’ for (emphasis) ‘Is-tory o’ an-at-tony!
Librarian: (Understands) Oh, you mean the (emphasis) His-tor-y of An-at-om-y. That explains the cutting-up- bodies thing.
He types into computer. Scruff rubs paws in anticipation.
Computer does not recognise such a title.
Scruff: Makes sense. (Points) Yer not gonna find a book in ‘ere.
Librarian: Of course not, it’s a computer system. It maps where the books are.
Scruff peeks at computer screen.
Scruff: I don’t see any map. Jus’ a buncha random words n’ funny numbers wi’ dots in the middle.
Librarian: That’s called the Dewey system, sir.
Scruff: Okay, where’s it at?
Librarian: On the computer. What’re you doing?
Scruff: (Inspects screen) Lookin’ for Goofyism.
Librarian: What’s Goofyism?
Scruff: I dunno, yer suggested ‘im.
Librarian: Look, why don’t I just print a list of books on anatomy...?
Scruff: Sure yer couldn’t print me a map o’ books on ‘atomy?
Librarian: Sir, I think you’re mistaken. We don’t have a specific shelf for books on anatomy. This is a village library staffed by part-time employees, not the medical Royal College. If I provide you with a list of books on the human body, you can search for the books yourself using the Dewey system.
Scruff: (Pause) Yeah, so w’at’s the Goofy Syndrome?
Librarian: (Losing patience) The Dewey system is a sequence of decimal numbers under which non-fiction titles are shelved in numeric order.
Scruff: Ah! (Pause) It sounds like a disability, y’ know, like Asperger’s Syndrome.
Librarian: (Indifferent) Really? Wow, I could never have guessed such a connection.
Scruff: Say, don’t it sound rather rude?
Librarian: What?
Scruff: Asperger’s – sounds very rude, don’tcha ‘ink?
Librarian: Well, erm...
Enter Vinnie, a fellow student, played by a vulture
Vinnie: Oi Scruff, what’s that part o’ the anatomy gotta do with finding the nearest McDonalds?
Several students laughs out loud; ceases abruptly as librarian shots them a stern gaze. Vinnie exits stage. Librarian turns slowly to Scruff.
Librarian: Sir, I think you’re confusing me with a psychiatrist.
Scruff: ‘Uh!
Librarian: This is a library, not Broadmoor.
Scruff: (Pause) Yeah, but you’re a librarian.
Librarian: And your point is?
Scruff: You should know.
Librarian: Know what?
Scruff: The meanin’ of Asperger’s.
Librarian: As I said, consult your GP or nearest physician for diagnosis – most preferably a brain surgeon whose methods include applying a frying pan to the cranium to awaken some dormant brain cells.
Scruff: (Pause) Wha’s that gotta do with Asperger’s?
Librarian: (High-pitched) I don’t know.
Scruff: (Insists) But yer gotta know.
Librarian: I know nothing.
Scruff: Yeah yer do. You’re a librarian.
Librarian: And what’s that got to do with Asperger’s Syndrome?
Scruff: Yer could tell me wha’ it means.
Librarian: How?
Scruff: You’re a librarian.
Librarian: And?
Scruff: I dunno, yer tell me.
Librarian: Sorry, what has my occupation got to do with Asperger’s Syndrome?
Scruff: Ya can translate it.
Librarian: (Hoarsely) Then ask a damned translator.
Scruff: Nah, I mean look it up. ‘It the books, innit, n’ find out what it means...
Liberian bangs his head on the book pile in frustration.
I didn’t mean it literally. It’s jus’ figure of speech, innit.
Librarian rolls his eyes. Vinnie re-enters.
Librarian: (Groans) Why don’t you just look it up for yourself?
Scruff: Where?
Librarian: In the dictionary.
Scruff: Where’s that?
Librarian: Find it yourself.
Scruff: But yer gotta know, you’re a librarian.
Librarian: (Howls in despair) Oh, but I’m busy.
Scruff: You’re busy doin’ wha?
Enter Vinnie
Vinnie: What d’ya think, he’s too busy sulking.
Librarian: (Snaps) I’m just doing library work.
Scruff: Exactly, like lookin’ t’ings up?
Librarian bangs head twice on desk. Stands up, and then crouches to groan in pain.
Vinnie: Gee, who thought working in a library could be so stressful? It must lead to early dementia.
Librarian: (Stresses) I’m just trying – in vain – to point members of the public in the right direction.
Scruff: (Trepid pause) But I didn’t ask for directions – I know where the pub is. Nah, I jus’ wanna know ‘ow Asperger’s got its name.
Librarian: (Sobs) Ask someone else.
Scruff: But it’s yer job?
Librarian: What is?
Scruff: (Shrugs) I dunno, yer tell me.
Librarian: Oh God... (Sobs)
Vinnie: Oh, you’re a churchman too? (Nudges Scruff) Better take off the fez, huh! He’ll want yer to join him in prayer.
Librarian: O’ Lord give me strength.
Vinnie: Try eatin’ more spinach. It’s save him time. (Stifles giggles)
Librarian: (At wits end) No-no-no-NO! I’m not a vicar delivering a bloody sermon.
Vinnie: That’s for sure.
Librarian grits his teeth; restrains himself.
Librarian: (Growls) My job description entails that I am to merely serve customers at the desk...
Scruff: (Interrupts) Which yer s’posed ta be doin’ ta me...
Vinnie: Sorta....
Librarian: Yeah, that, and helping clueless dimwits who can’t read and don’t know how to use a library to use the bleeding library.
Scruff: Exactly. Shall we? (Offers paw)
The Librarian, resigned to insanity, breathes deep and looks up with a frown.
Librarian: (Politely) You know what, I think you’ve got it the wrong way round.
Scruff: Wha’?
Librarian: You are clearly mistaking the word Asperger’s for being a total asshole. (Coughs) Pardon the Americanism.
Scruff: (Long pause) I know, that’s w’at I’ve been tryin’ to ask yer.
Vinnie: That, and the book on the History of Anatomy.
Scruff: Exactly, yer don’t ‘ave to be one either.
Librarian: (Snarls) I’ll rearrange your anatomy in unimaginable ways in a minute if you don’t get your (shouts) Asperger’s OUTTA MY FACE.
Long pause; silence
Scruff: (Tepidly) I’m sorry, but w’at’s that gotta do with anatomy?
Librarian: Would you like a demonstration?
Librarian produces a hardback of War and Peace, raises it above his head. Scruff and Vinnie duck. Book strikes a pair of burly students in denim biker gear, played by Cream and Drake, also hyenas; they turn round slow but menacingly at Scruff, Vinnie and the Librarian. Cream takes a deep breath and roars.
Cream: RIGHT! Own up lads, which one o’ ya twats broke my finger nail with Tolstoy?
Scruff and Vinnie automatically point out librarian;
Scruff: )
‘E did it”!
Vinnie: )
Librarian: (Dumbstruck) Oh bollocks!
Drake sinisterly removes gloves and jacket. Cream speaks calm but coldly.
Cream: Just as I was varnishing my claws for the beauty pageant, some spineless worm asks to taste them. they gonna need a manicure after we’re done with you.
Drake: Mate, prepare to have your anatomy rearranged by the never-ending chronicles of War and Peace.
He has no time to react as Drake rugby tackles him over the desk and throttles him. Scruff and Vinnie grimace at the sight as they make for the library exit.
Scruff: Now that’s w’at I call ‘eavy readin’.
Vinnie: Yeah, we’ll come back for that title some other time.
They exit library in a hurry.
End.
© D.C.S. Leah 2017
